Self
The hardest person to be completely truthful with is oneself. The same applies to whom we find it easiest to lie to. We have extremely clever brains, but often our emotions exact cruel tricks and hacks. The relationship between feeling and thought is not always an easy one, and just like any other relationship it requires trust and respect. We do not always mean to lie to ourselves; we wish it was easier to be honest with ourselves, but emotions are powerful - far more powerful that thoughts it would see. At least that is my experience. That is where these letters are coming from: the Letters from the X are coming from a place of subjective experience, then passed through a filter of subjective reflection (with some biases of course.)
That’s me being honest with you my wonderful reader. I am not asking for anyone to agree or disagree with these words, they are simply reflections from a life spent adrift the universe. Of course I hope some of these things resonate with some people. If all things resonate with all people then there is something curious going on.
The frontal cortex is a supremely advanced, modern supercomputer overseeing, rationalizing, cognating and perceiving at tremendous speeds all through our waking lives. The amygdala on the other hand, is a slug witted infant of a mechanism which tends to react in the most unexpected ways to what are sometimes the seemingly most innocuous stimuli. The amygdala is located in the temporal lobe (bilaterally - one on each side), and is a part of that incredible piece of neural architecture: the limbic system. This is your fight or flight response apparatus, where powerful emotions are generated.
It’s a fucker.
Our frontal, or ‘executive’ brain, is often misled by these emotional distractions and constructs all kinds of mistruths and blind spots to make sense of the emotional world. What I mean by that is that the amygdala and the surrounding limbic system, create a view of the world akin to that of a small child: everything is immediate, intense and vibrating at a very high frequency. For young children, the cognitive and intellectual suystems have not yet developed to the point that they are able to intercede in the way they do with adults.
The world through the lens of the amygdala is emotional, this is a survival trait. But in the modern world, our thoughts and feeling don’t always line up. The trouble is, it is easier to change our thoughts than our feelings, so as the lazy beasts that we are, we tend towards the convenience of resolving these conflicts through thought and action, rather than addressing the troublesome emotional root cause. In other words, we lie to ourselves. We construct realities that fit our feelings and we invest time, energy and resources into making these realities manifest.
Now my lovely people, you must not think that there is anything inherently wring with this because what I am describing - to a degree - is behavioural development. We receive sensory stimuli (or we are deprived of them) and this triggers an emotional response. Our emotions provoke behaviours we adopt to cope with these situations. Our behaviors cause environmental responses and we get feedback. In time we learn to ‘think’ about this feedback and we develop ‘cognizance.’ Basic CBT right?
Where we experience trauma or traumatic events (and this could be something as simple as being left to cry for too long for a baby), we can develop coping mechanisms that can cause problems in later life. Sometimes these issues are resolved, sometimes not. When they are not resolved they sit there as an emotional wound. We do not like to address these wounds as they cause us pain, who wants to ‘open an old wound’? This is why we struggle to be truthful with ourselves.
In the modern age - today - this ‘now’ - the present we are sharing, the concept of self has become more fragmented than ever. We have come along way from the dualism of Descartes, and the notion that the self is somehow distinctly separate from the external world of material things. We are now in a maelstrom of post modern confusion. We are bombarded daily with conflicting images, information and opinions. Everything is real and nothing is real, fake news and the truths a lies and everything is made of smoke and mirrors.
I remember a conversations with friend who proclaimed, very confidently: “There is no such thing as fact.”
“Really,” I replied, more than a little skeptically, “Is that a fact?”
“Yes it is.” My companion replied.
“You do realise your argument is self defeating,” I observed and braced myself for the reply, when it came it irritated and confused me. I was irritated because the reply was as ill thought through and pompous as the initial statement. I was confused because this person I knew to be rational and intelligent in many areas.
“Yes, that’s the point.” Was the answer.
I do not know where the statement had come from, but I suspect that some awful self help diatribe had put the idea in this poor person’s head that there is “no such thing as fact.” Her reply to my challenge sounded like the petulant back answering of a stroppy teenager.
“No such thing as truth.,” I can swing with: truth is a far more subjective, maleable and altogether slippery beast. Fact is, well, it’s fucking fact isn’t it?
Am I biased?
If I am, is that a fact?
A fact is something that you can lay out on a bench, cut it up with a sharp knife and demonstrate the mechanics of without dispute. The FACT that the offending statement had been factual only serves to strengthen my point. Language gas a mechanics, whether you like it or not there are certain fixed aspects in this existence. Death is a fact - what comes next is up for question, I completely agree, but to get there you are going to have to snuff it. This post modern self delusional state of denying the existence of facts is yet another emotional coping mechanism, yet another way of keeping ourselves safe from the cold harsh truths that the universe has in store for us.
This kind of commentary is more and more prevalent in the 21st century. This kind of mis directed, toxic post modern thinking - what Ken Wilbur refers to as “The Mean Green Meme” - is leading us down some very dangerous paths. You only have to look at the current state of politics in the US to see how a single phrase such as “fake news” can be wielded with impunity and such devastatingly vile intent so as to influence the masses to quite reprehensible acts of violence and hatred. How the likes of Nigel Farage has manipulated facts to present a distorted picture of Britain today. One might argue that all political parties do this exact same thing, but one must first look at FACTS. What is the evidence to support that bold statement? Where are your facts coming from, are you telling yourself a convenient lie and avoiding a painful truth?
Darkness Rising
This is what happens when thoughts are manipulated to confound and trigger emotions. These are lies we are telling ourselves. Why do we tell ourselves these lies, because, as the old adage goes: “The truth hurts.” In the UK we are seeing the rise of right wing nationalist doctrines re-entering the mainstream. From leave campaigners to holocaust denial, there is a dark energy at work in the minds of the masses. Liberal thinking has been branded as elitist and the privilege of the ruling class. This is absolute nonsense. You will find liberalism, racism, conservatism and all manner of political persuasions in all kinds of social demographics.
We lie to ourselves, spin webs of thought-words to trick, deceive, deny and shroud the truth in a smog of painful uncertainty. In this post modern malaise we are so lost and confused that we will grasp onto anything solid (or appearing solid) to steady ourselves and bring some certainty and security back into our lives. But certainty is an illusion. It is, perhaps, the biggest lie of all that we tell to ourselves and each other.
There is a need for truth.
‘Ah but you said that the truth is malleable and slippery,’ I hear you say. ‘And that’s a fact,’ you might consider adding as a coup de grace.
Indeed you are correct. The truth is an absolute fucker for changing shape and lies are equally subjective, so let’s go with facts.
Here are some facts:
Destroying one’s own environment is to destroy one’s self and all that is valuable and meaningful within that environment.
We need far less to be healthy and happy than we crave for, and currently possess, in the materially developed world.
We are all a part of the natural world and therefore subject to its laws and processes.
No political system has all the answers to the problems we face as a society.
Everyone needs to breath and everyone shits out of the same hole.
So the last one might seem unnecessarily coarse to some, but that’s the point. If you are offended by bodily functions and the facts surrounding them, then you are offended by life itself.
This introduces the concept of
SHAME
And that my lovely people, is bloody big topic, so I will be writing more about it next time.
But before I go, I want to say something to pick up the spirits of this letter a little. This is a hard topic. Understanding the truths and lies we tell ourselves and one another is a lifelong journey. It is profoundly hard to get these things right, and getting them right all the time is wildly unrealistic.
Affirmation number 23 “None of us is perfect, and that includes me”.
A very kind and intelligent man said to me once that your body is clever. It will only let you feel as much pain as it is able to process. We hold these feelings back. Feelings of sorrow, of grief, of hate and anger, shame, or jealousy, greed and spite. These feelings become toxic within us and our thoughts are shaped by these malignant emotions feelings. Our brilliant, creative and sometimes spectacularly stupid brains, turn these feelings into perceived truths: but they are not facts.
But that does not mean that there is no such thing as fact.
To undo this tangled knot of ill conceptions, these mind maladies, we must face the truths that are hidden within together. Sometimes this will hurt, but we should not fear that pain. It is intense, but it is brief and once expunged, of no real consequence. The man I mentioned is a therapist who helped me through five years of grief and trauma, and I will leave you with another truism he gave me:
We will seek out the monsters together, and together we will discover that they have no claws.
Finally I will remind you of the first of these letters I write, the title of that was love. There is a very good reason why I started this series with that particular energy.
Go well.
This has been a letter from the X.
Big love to you all.
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