Shame
Protect and Empower
“…a painful feeling of humiliation or distress caused by the consciousness of wrong or foolish behaviour.” So sayeth the online dictionary on the subject of shame.
What this definition fails to identify is to whom the ‘wrong’ or ‘foolish’ behavior belongs. I would also ask the question, by whose edict is this behavior being assessed as either foolish or wrong?
To feel shame is to feel pain; a pain that is yet to be resolved. A pain that is buried and emerges as behavior. I have often stated the opinion (based in the best of my knowledge): what sits behind anger, hate and aggression is fear, pain and injustice.
These emotions sit within us and gnaw away at our minds. They whisper lies and take the role of toxic advisor to our public image. They cause us to feel shame, and to express them would to be exposed and therefore open to ridicule and harsh criticism.
“Threatened by shadows at night, and exposed in the light.”
From Shine on You Crazy Diamond by Pink Floyd
I mean who wants that, right?
So we adapt, we find ways of behaving, or being, of doing, becoming and belonging that protect us from the truth. We construct a labyrinth of smoke and mirrors to hide the terrifying fact: ‘we are vulnerable.’ We are hurt and, above all, ashamed of these emotional patterns formed during times in our lives when we had zero control over our own destiny.
I came across a comment from a coach on LinkedIn stating that ‘it doesn’t have to hurt.’ I wanted to disagree. I wanted to vehemently throw down the gauntlet of argument and state quite categorically that this is simply not true. Their comment offended me, it made me feel that the pain that I had endured in five years of PTSD therapy, was somehow un-necessary; I had been a fool to go through all that. Oh the shame of it.
I didn’t respond.
The reason I didn’t was because I had made the decision to avoid these kinds of impulse driven comments on social media. Too easily we are sucked into the quagmire of other people’s opinions, micro triggers exist around every corner in socialopolis. The reason I had made this decision is because I had been trawling through a shit load of pain in therapy to undo these impulse behaviors. This was the reason for me wanting to contest the point being made.
I wanted to argue a point from a place in which I would disprove my own argument. Quite the paradox. Quite the post modern dilemma.
Or is it?
Let’s take a closer look at that and bullet point it:
I experience impulse behaviors causing me to ‘react’ to opinions which do not represent my emotional experience.
This comes from a place of ‘not feeling understood.’
This comes from a place of ‘not being given the love I needed/wanted when very young (between 0 and 3 years).
I allow myself to experience the pain of neglect to be able to explore these things from an adult perspective.
This is painful.
I see a post on LinkedIn which does not match my experience.
I resist the urge to react on impulse.
I write about it from an adult perspective in a post on SubStack.
What has happened is that I have taken control and chosen to explore this detail to protect and empower myself.
To do this meant experiencing my own pain. That is my experience. Perhaps it is possible for others to work through this process painlessly, but I doubt it. My opinion is that if you find yourself experiencing nothing but joy and happiness in the face of your own unresolved trauma, you are deluded in some way. and not yet ready to be fully open to the roots of any shame you might experience. But you are on the path. You are going in the right direction. This is not a competition of who's got more insight. These are personal journeys with a collective relevance.
But what would this achieve in a post on LinkedIn with someone whom I have never met, whose circumstances are unknown to me, and who is simply doing what she can to help those her around her (albeit for a fee)? A wounded and fragile ego is troublesome thing. It pushes us to seek validation, argument, to win at all costs lest we feel that most poisonous of emotions: shame. I chose not to respond to a comment I disagreed with because I saw no value in ‘winning,’ or even competing, which is what I would have been doing.
There is no shame in that.
Mental Suicide
Shame drives us to do all kinds of weird and mad stuff. The ways we compensate for the shame we might feel, varies from being quiet and seeking time to ourselves to waging war on a global scale- for example. Substance misuse, aggression, isolation, self harm, suicide, self neglect, dishonesty, overindulgence, abuse and so on. All of these behaviors might have some connection with feelings of shame, inadequacy or guilt. Shame puts us at the mercy of coping strategies, and these behaviors are not really who we are, they are a distortion of our true selves. The trouble is that these behaviors can become so familiar, so entrenched, that we start to believe they who we really are.
This does not have to be the case.
We are not born drinking, abusing and self harming. We come into the world vulnerable and completely open. These behaviors are learned in response to the environments we are exposed to. Being shamed, or chastised, or left alone to ‘self sooth,’ can be the seeds for problematic behaviors later in life. Those feelings become so embedded in our psyche, to remove them would be like surgery without an anesthetic. As a result we ‘cope', we strategise and get what we need by being clever, or manipulative, or aggressive, or attention seeking.
At this point I offer a caveat:
I am not anti behaviour. Nor do I seek to medicalise behaviour and perceive all human functions as some kind of coping strategy as a result of unresolved childhood trauma. He have behaviours, and these behaviors are part of a complex process flowing through environment, identity and actions, feelings, thoughts and relationships. Some behaviors are essential, some are beneficial, some we are more aware of than others. However, when we introduce shame into this finely balanced ecosystem, we will very likely begin to experience dis-ease.
Translate this to a global scale and…
We are a world in shame. Our short short comings and failings are held up in front of us on a daily basis. We live in a world of feedback, distortion and sickness of perception. The trauma of humanity is being lived out daily in the most impersonal and horrific way: as an entertainment.
As a species our traumas exists over lifetimes, through cultures and ancestry. We develop the same coping strategies aqs we do on an individual basis, but collectively the impact is greater. The avoidance to address our pain due to the shame we feel is killing us. It is polluting out hearts and minds and this is made manifest in the way we treat the environment that supports us. We are an angry child throwing a tantrum, expressing pain and shame because its needs have not been met. What are those needs?
To feel safe.
To feel happy and healthy.
To feel loved.
Being Kind
When I was in the depths of a depression I asked myself what kind of man I wanted to be? What would I want people to think of me? How would I want to be known as a human being? Three words came to me and these were creative, successful and kind. I feel these words balanced well with one another. The first two were easy for me to identify. I have always been creative so I got a tick on that straight away (always give yourself an instant win when you are feeling down).
Being successful is pretty broad and, let’s face it, we would all like to be successful in our endeavors, otherwise why bother. But I was careful to avoid words like famous or rich - these are too self interested. Being successful incorporates more than just me - and I like that.
Finally, I came to the word ‘kind’. To me this felt like the most powerful word of all. The most transformative word. I have lived a life of shame dear reader. From pissing myself in the school hall during an assembly when I was five to being ridiculed for a gay relationship in my early teens. I experienced bullying from an early age and lived a life of anxiety and self loathing. Kindness to me is a choice, and a powerful one at that.
When we choose to be kind we are choosing to become more human, more compassionate and more engaged with the trauma of the world than with satisfying our own ego. To be kind in the face of adversity, conflict and abuse is not easy and I am certainly no authority on this - but I continue to learn and improve with each challenge. Not always succeeding, but certainly learning each time.
But to make that effort; to open ourselves to the pain of others, is to heal ourselves from our own sense of shame. There can be no healing without pain. But that pain must be expressed, seen and resolved for us to move forwards in our lives, both individually and collectively.
I write these streams of consciousness from a place of clear intent. I am still utterly bewildered by life, it never gets easier, but never boring. However, it does get more and more wonderful, ridiculous, fun and absurd. To acknowledge our own absurdity, ridiculousness, beauty and uniqueness is to become fully human. Embrace these things without shame but with love and kindness. This, surely, is where our freedom lies.
Until next time.
“Letters from the X” are a series of articles by David Nixon, founder of Driftwood Studio.
I help people explore, develop and understand their own creative flow.
I work by developing trusting and productive relationships.
Here’s what you do next:
Send me a message. We have a conversation. Then we explore.
Building our reader base is vital to keeping people updated about the developments we are making and providing you with all kinds information, insights and reflections on “The Life Creative.”
You can also support the studio by making a donation. Currently all our content is free to access. We want to keep you connected and therefore we ask for voluntary donations where you see value.