KOKH PHLöPYNG
KOKH PHLöPYNG
The Story of Irene van Horne
NOTE: Phlöpyng is correctly pronounced “flerping.”
This is a response to the entertaining article on the subject of “Vagina Swooshing” by
. In the comments to this article I was invited to make a response. SmileW replied to my suggestion for a piece on Cock Flopping with the following:Hahaha cock flopping. I like the name, but everybody knows how to do it. Vagina swooshing is more mysterious.
I believe he may have had a point, which made this challenge all the more enticing. I think I have managed to address the balance with the treatment I have published here for your enjoyment.
The original piece of work was published on SubStack. You can find it by following the link below. I would advise you strongly to read this piece first, as it is both highly enjoyable, funny and provides you with some context.
Introduction
I first met Irene in 1653. What a year that was. Russia declared war on Poland, Oliver Cromwell was named as Lord Protector of England, Ireland and Scotland and the Swiss peasants were revolting.
Irene was on her way back from a Phlöpyng call with John Thurloe. Thurloe had just been made Cromwell’s Chief of Intelligence. You might remember him as having a finger in just about every pie going; exposing royalists, setting up code breaking departments and supporting his good Lord Cromwell as Lord Protector and general busy body of all England, Ireland and so on.
As one might imagine such a position was high pressure and Thurloe was prone to bouts of stress related depression. As the son of a rector his childhood had been somewhat sheltered and he was never really comfortable in the company of the fairer sex. He had met Irene Van Horne during his time at Lincoln’s Inn in 1647. She had been working as a serving wench at the Butler’s Plough; a local hostelry frequented by lawyers and barristers and such.
The two had made an immediate connection and Irene spent several weeks in Thurloe’s company, soothing his nerves and educating him as to the correct behaviour of a gentleman of standing in the company of a woman. He discovered that she was a well travelled woman and had an extensive historical knowledge. At this point in their relationship no Phlöpyng had taken place, but he did once touch her elbow.
Thurloe was overwhelmed with feelings of intense desire and therefore fell into immediate distrust of this filthy harlot that he spent the next five years in the company of. As a curator of spy craft and espionage he was naturally suspicious of her intelligence and guile. In a woman these were troublesome traits.
However, In 1652 Irene left Thurloe having become suspicious of his behavior and (correctly) suspecting him of using his spy network to surveil her in her Kohk Phlöpyng activities. She was now well known to a large proportion of the legal profession at Lincon’s Inn. Thurloe was engaged and gathered his forces to uncover the conspiracy of Kohks. But before he could make enquiries she disappeared completely, to assist the Shunzhi Emperor of China who was having trouble with one of his concubines.
THE KOKH
“Know your man” - Irene van Horne
I have known many men of many different standings, creeds and colours, and all of them were very different in their way. It is easy for a woman to make general comparisons and sweeping statements of a man when our perception is from the singular perspective of being a woman. Over time, and with significant experience though I have found this to be a flaw in the female view. Through the practice of my slow and gentle art I have had the privilege of making the acquaintance of many thousands of men and in every single one I have found some unique quality distinguishing him from his brethren.
Due to the very private nature of my art you would be forgiven for assuming that I am referring to the member itself. This though is not the case. The member, the Kohk, the rod or pole, call it what you will, is but a metaphor for a much deeper value. It is true that no two Kohks are the same, and I have seen many in my time. But this is a physical expression of something deeper to the man himself.
In the shape and sizing of the Kohk there is an aesthetic aligned perfectly to the nature and essential essence of the gentleman himself. Problems arise, or more often, fail to, when the gentleman finds himself under severe duress. As I write these words I have most recently provided service to Arch Duke Ferdinand of Austria. He seemed quite distressed and it was for this reason that my services were employed.
The Arch Duke himself being a man of great power and distinction had become quite detached from the true nature expressed through his Kohk. His organ was actually quite a delicate thing, with some elegant contouring and a rich, woody hue. The Arch Duke had become separated from his authentic self - his Kohk Self, as I like to think of it. So you see it is through the Kohk that I can make an assessment of the man and perform a realignment through the use of my skills and a selection of unguents and soothing balms.”
(Irene Van Horne - 27th June 1914)
THE phlöp
In Pagan traditions the penis is often regarded as a sacred item, especially after death. It was through these Nordic and Celtic traditions that Irene honed her knowledge of he Kohk. Diligently and with many false starts and quick endings, she learned the subtleties of the penis. She discovered that this proud, male talisman had become much ridiculed over time. In reference to her counterpart, the iconic Tempek, she developed the art of Phlöpyng to return the male member to its pagan glory.
“My experience with Thurloe” remarked van Horne, “demonstrated to me how the puritanical obsessions of monotheism and high parliamentary governance had defiled our understanding of this beautiful anatomical aspect.”
Irene developed techniques and systems from her studies of Northern European Paganism to create the art of Phlöpyng. Phlöpyng was refined to become something of spiritual like. In the same mode as Tempek, she never took an understudy or an apprentice. She focussed her efforts on the powerful and rich who had become so distanced and filled with shame. “It is a tragic irony of the powerful man that for him to maintain his power he must create society in which he becomes ashamed of his own Kohk.”
Irene discovered that she was able to direct and manipulate behaviour through he art of Kohk Phlöpyng. This presented her with a curious dilemma. Yes it is true that men are unique; each in his way an expression of his own Kohk, and this is a beautiful thing. But it was only through the eyes of a woman that this uniqueness could be truly set free.
In 2010, as the British Government shifted from a centre left to a right wing party, Irene van Horne went into hiding. She had been working with the Blair administration since the beginning and had been a right hand to Alistair Campbell’s campaign of spin in the early days. However, under the Brown administration she realised that her actions were now becoming a part of a much bigger problem.
She fled. Irene was terrified by her own power. Through the manual manipulations of parliamentary members she had made herself the most powerful woman in the world. This was contrary to everything she believed in. She had started down this path to set men free. To show the world the beauty of what a man is and can be, but somehow she had fallen foul of the male obsession with control and power.
I have heard rumors that Irene is now working with a contemporary of Tempek’s to combine the arts Swooshing and Phlöpyng in an attempt to address the problems that the world is now facing. Perhaps through the combined arts of Phlöpyng and Swooshing both men and women will recognise the beauty of their potential and put down the mechanisms for control and revenge that have locked us into a cycle of decay.
I have heard rumors that the work of Billy Bob Man Crack, a gender fluid practitioner of Ring Tickling, is being used to bring balance and harmony. But these stories are, as yet, unsubstantiated. Perhaps the story is not yet over. Perhaps there is more to be told and we will yet see a unified trinity of Swooshing, Phlöpyng and Tickling. All around the world human beings of all genders, colours and creeds will Swoosh, Phlöp and Tickle without fear of shame or judgement and make a better world into which our children can be born.
IRENE VAN HORNE
The whereabouts of Irene van Horne remains a closely guarded secret. During her dalliance with Thurloe in the 1600s, according to his writings of her, she was “a most handsome woman of 35 to 40 years in her behaviours, but perhaps somewhat more youthful in her physiognomy to the order of some five or ten.” On this basis Irene would now be approximately 460 years old.
She never married.
Hahaha I didn’t expect a historical piece!! Well done 😁
Glad you pholløwed up!!